The Legend of Really Drunk Girl: Origins

Across time and space and throughout the anals of history there has been but one reoccurring story, told in many ways, within every culture, handed down through the ages with pantomime and shadow puppetry, and that my friends is the story of Really Drunk Girl.

It was originally thought that Really Drunk Girl was born with a genetic abnormality that gave her an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, because her liver contained seven lobes to everyone elses five, given that her mother was a raging alchy herself and typically drank a fifth of vodka a day throughout her pregnancy. Her father was reported to have frequented nuclear reactors and toxic dump sites in an effort to develop cancer and get with this hot oncologist babe.

It is now believed that Really Drunk Girl was actually born intoxicated. Empirical evidence has shown that the infant hit on her doctor and tried to 'freak' (from the latin-freakus, to get up ons) with the nurses.

But scholars and historians have come to learn that it was most likely in her late teens that Really Drunk Girl went from Drunk Girl to Really Drunk Girl in an accident with The Ooze and a scorpion bowl. Hieroglyphs have been discovered depicting A drunk girl and teenage turtles in a sewer. Scholars maintain that these are the same turtles that later became 'mutant turtles' fond of Renaissance artists and west coast surfer idioms.

Though it wasn't until RDG's early twenties that her super powers began to be exhibited. The ability to 'believe she was whispering when she was clearly not' was the first change. Then came the floor slap and tireless booty shaking. Before long RDG became impervious to pain and embarrassment. It wasn't too long after that Really Drunk Girl put her unique talents toward the fighting of 'crime'.

Until next time... this has been 'A Deep Search Into The Anals of History'

With your host,

Kathryn

Black Noah’s Ark: The Dark Ark’s Displeasure Cruise

It was an even darker and stormier night, and Black Noah set about to build ‘a dark ark’ for his BFF Satan. Black Noah worked day and night on the ark, well except for Wednesdays where he enjoyed some much needed “me” time. And after a few days the massive ark, which Black Noah loving dubbed ‘old skull splitter’ for his Nana, was complete.

Satan Von Thunder, (yes, Satan has a last name, it’s Germanic) was getting all antsy and shit to check out the big evil boat. So he ascended once more out of the irritable bowels of the Netherlands and appeared before Black Noah. “So, Black Noah, how’s my ark coming, how do you plan to get 6 of all the evil creatures on earth to board the ark, why aren’t you answering my txts, and would you like a Michelobe?” asked Satan. Black Noah quite irritated at all the questions barked back, “Dammit Satan, I’m just one evil man trying his best to please his Dark Lord friend, so all these questions aren’t helping with the epically redicu-evil task of getting 6 of each evil creature on the ark, so get off my back! And yes, I would just love a Michelobe!”

“Well…. fair enough, looks like you got everything under control here, keep up the good work, let me know when to start getting my flood on, and I’ll just be back in the Netherlands with ‘the guys’. It’s evil game night you know,” said Satan, quite sheepishly.

“Sorry for being curt with you, Satan, I just got a lot on my evil plate, and tell ‘the guys’ hello, and also ‘sweet sarsaparilla’, inside joke, they’ll get it.”

Though the task before him was great, Black Noah had a grand plan. He would invite 6 of each evil creature on earth to a diabolically evil 80’s themed party aboard the ark and just to make sure his plan was ironclad, he would get a keg. For everyone knows, evil creatures love 80’s themed parties and kegs.

….to be more evillier continued.

Black Noah's Ark Phase I

Black Noah’s Ark

It was a dark and stormy night, and Satan was feeling a bit blue. “This is more than a case of the Monday’s,” the dark Lord muttered to himself. Even a ‘blood of the innocent and orphan tear’ smoothie couldn’t cheer up this old curmudgeon. So he tore himself away from the boob tube and descended upon his old friend Black Noah (black on the inside not the outside). “Hey Satan”, Black Noah sighed, “you’re looking especially evil tonight.”

“Thanks, Black Noah, but this is sadness not evil you’re seeing,” Satan giggled.

Black Noah was a simple man, in that he preferred goth coloring books and evil tickle fights to the rest of the world’s ‘charity’ and ‘good will’, which he thought cheapened mankind and brought down property values. He viewed 'virtue' as the cum stain on the sundae of disappoinment. A Satan fearing man, Black Noah was faithful and resisted smiling and puppies, which caught the eye of the ‘Dark Ruler’ and they were soon BFF.

“Why are you sad, Devil?” Black Noah wondered.

“Everyone on earth is being like all good and shit, why there is no lying or killing or hustling or doggie-style anywhere” cried the Devil.

“Oh, snap,” Black Noah thought.

“ Listen BN, I have a decree,” Satan bellowed while spewing forth droplets of evil from his dark and cavernous salivary glands.

“Say it, don’t spray it” Black Noah silently grumbled "So what's the deal Satan?", he asked.

"Deal !?...., Black Noah, I'm the Dark Lord of the Netherlands, Progenitor of Evil, Embodiment of all Suffering and Payne, not some douche car salemen. I trade in death and tyranny not low interest rates or factory prices. This is an evil decree, spawned from the loins of fornicators and gluttons."

"Sorry, I forgot," Black Noah said.

“Silence!”, Satan wailed, “look Black Noah, I need you to build me an ark..... ‘a dark ark’ and fill it with 6 of each kind of evil creature and after that I will flood the world with every known variety of booze, malt liquor, and of course scotch.”

……to be evilly continued.